Anatomy of Loneliness

Hey there, again. Long time no see again. Aha. Sorry on and off. Biasa lah, busy. Mana dengan hectic schedule di office, cuti raya lagi – hmm. Pokoknya memang busy. Busy going through this empty life, I suppose.

All I can say is that I am emotionally exhausted right now. I don’t know why. Maybe the fact that I am single and unable to hold on to a relationship for more than 24 hours did some damage to my vulnerable emotions. Or the fact that I am so lonely right now and I am surrounded by happy people. Either way, I am emotionally exhausted.

To add fuel to the fire, I keep thinking about my family back at home. Never have I miss them so much like I did lately. Of course I got to let it all out during my 2 weeks’ vacation back to Tawau for Raya, but it was never enough. I miss my family especially the littlest things that we do together like having dinner in front of the TV with my family, talking to my mom at late nights, staying out late with my cousins, and playing kapal terbang kertas with my little nieces.

Maybe this emotional exhaustion is also related to the fact that I have never have any vacation since my final semester (I mean real vacation). I mean it was classes and lectures, and then exams, and now my internship, and being RA afterwards, then will go on with my master’s degree. No time for fun at all. But who am I kidding? What’s fun will have to do when you have no friend around?

And that is the number 1 thing that really brings me down. I don’t have friends. My bestfriends are far away from me now and I have no one else that I can call friend now. Isn’t that pathetic? In a way, it was my fault because God knows how many great friends that I have the chance to encounter but then I fucked them up and drive them away. I didn’t really go out when I first came here because it was all about my GPA and volleyball back then. And maybe, just maybe, it was all because of me that am just not good at making new friends. I don’t know. But the truth is, I am lonely and I have no friends.

I wish I could turn things around and I am trying. Although I keep falling off the wagon, but I try hard to get back up. Hopefully things will change soon coz I cannot live like this. Living alone is a very cruel place to be. Hopefully I can get it through. Amin.