Life Goes On

Life goes on. That’s what people always say. Yeap, no matter what, life goes on. No matter what we have been through, ot how hard it is for us, life goes on.

I honestly cannot believe that my time is up in UMS. That’s it, I am done. I am no longer a student there. I can’t help but to feel extremely awkward every time someone comes up to me and ask “still study?” and I have to answer “nope, finished already”. And when I said finish, I literally mean it (at least so far). Like I always said, we always have that certainty – from kindergarten to secondary school, to primary school to pre-U and then varsity eventually. But after varsity? That’s where it gets scary.

As for now, I am currently on my third week of practical and so far, so good. I am adjusting to this life as a non-student and more to a worker - going to work office hour, living in the living room of my friend, taking care everything on my own. Damn! I was so spoiled when I was a child. LOL. But I am adjusting, I am adjusting slowly and steadily.

Being away from home in this state, it makes me understand more and more of how hard it is to have your own life – with limited support system. It is truly a cruel world where the fittest survives. And I am trying to be in that category, and so far, I am doing well.

I don’t want to think so much about the future and what it will bring because I am afraid that I am gonna mess it up. I know, I can’t avoid thinking about it from time to time, but as for now, I am trying to live for the moment. Enjoying every second of it (which is very hard when you come to office and has nothing to do all day). I don’t know where am I going to after this – continue study? Working? Going back home and do nothing? I don’t know.

One good thing is that I started running again. I always love running but somehow I don’t know why I stop. But here, in my new place, I found that passion again. I run again. And it feels so damn good. Running put me in a position where nothing else matter, just me, my stride, and the path. It is the time where I got to be me.

Well, life goes on. For sure it will. I don’t know what will happen next, the future is not one’s to see. But whatever it is, I am gonna put up the best fight that I can and I will win it. Yes, I will.

Ps: today is the birthday of one of my shitheads. Law Lik Huo, happy birthday old bitch! J

L.I.F.E

it is kinda funny how life works out. i used to be a player, a very naughty and slutty one, and i was very good at it. but then, as i want to stop, and i really want to change, peopl just don't give me a chance. like they always say, A SLUT WILL ALWAYS BE A SLUT. to be honest, that kinda hurt.

people don't change, i know. but people grow up. as do i. i think i am in a phase where i already have lotsa fun and now i want to "settle down". i think it is time to me to have a real relationship. it has been a while though since my last break-up, and it was very nasty. well, any one of us.. sometimes, SHIT JUST HAPPENED. so i took almost 1year and a half not to get into any relationship. just throw myself out there. see what the world are made off. and i had a blast!

but like i said, as for now, i am really looking or that relationship, the one that i can hold on to and call it "MINE". but i guess, when you got hurt a lot, you started to build a fence around yourself, not letting anyone get in coz you're afraid that someone will hurt you again. that's what i did. there are so many good people came to my life, and i ended up throwing them away coz i don't wanna get hurt again. you know what i am talking about right.

i know i may seems like a PUSHER. i push people. but the reason why i push people is because i feel so STRONGLY about that certain thing. that is why i keep on pushing it to make it work. to be honest, i don't really fall in love or like anyone now like i did back in the days. when i say I LIKE YOU, it means I REALLY LIKE YOU. i am not flirting with you. i think i have grown up now and i know what i want. but too bad, people will always see me as a SLUT, and i dunno if it will change or not.

i have lotsa love to give to that one right person. if i push you, sending u mails non-stop, it means that you are the one. LOL. so it is up to you to respond how. let me tell you, my heart was broken very very badly and i don't think i could go on anymore. but i don;t want that to stop me. i know we all get hurt at one point. but that doesn't mean we can stop loving.

one thing i wanna say is, i think we all deserve to be happy. don't punish ourself for the things of the past. WE CAN NOT CHANGE THE PAST, BUT WE CAN LET THEM GO, AND START OUR OWN FUTURE. life is filled with shit, but we can choose to be happy if we want to.

so come on take a ride with me on this journey. let's see where we end up together. :)

I Am Back

joy to the world! finally, i am back!

lama gila aku nda update apa-apa di blog ne. terbiar begitu ja. projek terbengkalai. but i am here now, so the rest of you bitches can shaking and crying at the same time thanking the God that the fiercest and most fabulous blogger is back. LOL.

it has been a very interesting months for me. so many ups and downs. meh. biasa la ba kan. memang sudah hidup begitu. kadang kita di atas, kadang kita di bawah, dan kadang-kadang kita di siring-siring ja; being a by-stander - watching life goes on and take its course. plus, i have been physically and mentally exhausted. adeh la. makin dekat final exam, makin banyak kerja. nda paham aku. kadang-kadang rasa macam mau meletup kepala. tapi apa bleh buat kan? terpaksa jua go on.

well, final exam is approaching. adeh. macam nda percaya woo. sudah 5 sem aku sini. pasni ada 1 sem lagi before i say goodbye to this place. rasa seram jua la sebab there is no guarantee of what is about to come. but that's also the most exciting part about it. having to experience life at a bigger perspective. having to face the bigger world on my own. having to go through life on my own, making my own decision, creating a life on my own.. fuhh. that sounds like a lot of work. :)

still, there are lots of work to be done before i finish my 5th semester. ada final year project laie mau kasi siap. shit. ini la ni yang kasik lambat aku balik Tawau ni. aiyyaa..

on the brighter note, i turned 22 yesterday. haha. hampir dewasa sudah aku. but you know, birthday is ain't nothing but an excuse to eat more carbs and sugar. LOL. i might be 22, but i am as young as an awesome kid.

to celebrate my turning of age, what other song that can reflect how i feel with every single word as deep as possible? so the rest of you bitches can enjoy this song and get ready to have your heart slayed. :)

Thank You, Facebook.

never had us imagined that one day, one social website will be the one factor that defined our life. never - until the year 2004, where everything changed for good. yeap, February 2004 arrived and it brought along Facebook, and damn - how that shit changed our lives. ain't that a bitch?

i wasn't a fan of Facebook until 2009. i refused to join the community of Facebook coz i thought i have enough with social website. but one unpredictable day, i signed up on Facebook coz i thought that would be awesome just to sign up and never log in. and we all know how that turned out.

since then, i have become a regular on Facebook. there's just something about the simplicity of this site. you don;t have to fancy up your page like Myspace and Friendster, but then, Facebook still snatched those two other sites' wigs when it comes to function.

i have to admit that i am addicted to FB now. i go online every single day and update my status like thousands if times per day. it's like my life is incomplete if i don't go online for one day. it makes my hormones unstable, it makes my heart beats irregularly, and it makes my sight become blurry. well, not really actually, but still.

some people say that those who are addicted to FB are the people that don't have life and that they should get one. well, listen to this.

FUCK YOU.

the truth is, FB actually plays a huge role in my life, as well as the other person who is as obsessed to FB as i am. with FB, i have found some of the amazing friends that i am so grateful to know. with FB, i also met some of my scandals who are actually kinda nice people. with FB, i also met some of my sex partners ( i won't elaborate on this ). with FB, i discover my passion for writing once again - Pujaan Hati. and also with FB, i met some of the most interesting people that some of them ended up being my friends, and some of them ended up on my list of People I Will Never Admit I Have On My FB Friend-list.

so that's it. people who are addicted to FB don't necessarily means they don't have life. actually, FB has given some of these people another aspects of life., aspects that can be discovered and enjoyed. so what if their lives revolve around FB? it is much better than listening to Lady GaGa stupid trash or even watching any movies by Jennifer Anniston.

so for all of you haters, FUCK YOU and GET A LIFE.

now i need to update my FB status.

Tears & Laugh

i don't know why but somehow i feel like life is a dungeon in which happiness and sufferings co-exist together very well. one day you're the happiest guy ever walked in Earth, and the next day you wish that you had not live at all. ya ya, i know. that's life, right? but the question is, why should we live like that? can't we just be happy all the time? and if you are stupid enough, you will ask yourself can we be miserable all the time? (noob!)

well i have my fair share of the situation quite a handful of time and it sucks. it's like one moment you won your Olympic gold medal and broke the world record and the next second you are told that the winning is fraud as you are suppose to compete in the senior category other than the junior one.

but then again, that's life. shits happen no matter how happy you are. it is just inevitable. that's just how the way things are. just like with day comes the night, with hot comes the cold, with rain comes the sunshine, and with boys come the girls (but there is a gay factor, but we'll leave that to your imagination).

what i am trying to say is, it is always a revolving door. happiness and suffering come and go. but that's not what matter. what matter most is which one of those experiences you will keep within your heart, treasure them, and cherish them for the rest of your beautiful life. see, the problem with us is that we always think having bad experiences will eliminate all the good things that we have been through before. fuck that. i honestly believe that those bad things are what make the good things even more valuable. it's like having Britney Spears as the wig-snatching pop queen with fabulously good music all the time then come the Stupid Lady in the Egg a.k.a Lady Gag-Gag with her insult-to-humanity stupidity trash music.

so, maybe life is a dungeon where tears and laugh share the same space. maybe you can't laugh all day long without shading a bit of tears. but so what? yeah, those things are true but it doesn't mean i have to stop living my life, right? i might laugh this morning and cry my heart out on the shower tonight, but like i said, that's life. at least, i have emotions to explore and i am damn proud of it.

so for you out there who think that you are the only one who goes through emotional roller-coaster on the daily basis, go and smash your head on the mirror and slit your throat for having that thought, coz you are not alone. i am here. :)

All Is Well

fuhh. lama gila nda menulis sini. haha. adehh. sian blog aku. terabai begitu jek. bukan apa baa. aku busy baa. mana laie pikir time tu mau puasa, raya lagi, and most of all, get back to school. but before aku mula membebel, aku maw wish SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILFITRI. haha. sangat noob aku. mau abes da Syawal baru mau wish. haha..

well, as i can say. ALL IS WELL. semua ok ok jaa. nothing really special happened. time Raya pun biasa ja. other than the fact that i have the opportunities to hang out with my beloved families for more than 2 months, yang lain lain biasa ja. to be honest to y'all, Raya kali ni feel nothing special bagi aku. ntah la. da memang camtu. maybe as you grow older (and in my case definitely wiser), the fun of Raya da hilang. ya ya, i know.. malam Raya feel extra special, but that's just it - plain special. rindu aku mau rasa time Raya dulu dulu. malam Raya pi berkejar kejar ma kazen kasi lempar dorang tu mercun katak. pastu main tu bunga api yang tukar tukar warna. kalau warna nya merah terus teriak teriak "merah merah!" pastu kalau tukar pi hijau teriak laie "hijau hijau!"... aiyyaa. best woo dulu dulu. pastu suda main mercun pi laie main tapuk tapuk. haha... those were some of the most amazing things that i can remember. tapi dulu la kan.. sekarang ndada sudah.. rindu pla aku sama childhood friends aku. sekarang ndada udah kejar kejar lempar mercun. ndada udah pi kuburan Cina pi cari anjing untuk di kasi flying pedal... hmm.

tapi da namanya life kan. we have to move on. and the most wonderful thing about life is that we went through so many good things in life and we thought that that would be our final time feeling those things, tapi sooner we found out that itu cuma sebahagian daripada apa yang life has in store for us. and bagi aku, aku bersyukur aku dapat lalui semua tu masa aku kecik kecik dulu and psani aku nda kan lagi lalui benda yang sama. aku nda mau jua lagi ada pengalaman begitu. cukup sekali. supaya apa yang aku lalui sekali tu dapat aku simpan sampai mati. :)

sekarang da dua minggu aku di UMS ne. start of new sem. my final year. adehh. nda terasa wooo. cepat gila masa berlalu. macam baru ja minggu lepas aku pi UPM untuk tukar status pelajar dari pelajar UPM ke pelajar UMS. sekarang aku da masuk final year. adesss.. rasa macam time move so freakin fast that i have no time to grab every single moment. rasa macam banyak yang aku terlepas. macam nda cukup masa untuk enjoy semua..

but then again, we are human. kalau boleh kita mau semua apa yang jadi kita dapat hold on thight and never let go. tapi, kalau kita dapat semua apa yang kita mau, macamana kita mau hargai semua apa yang ada kan? the reason why things get to slipped off from our hands is that kita belajar untuk appreciate semua apa yang kita ada.

to be quite honest, aku rasa nervous gila to go through my final year. ya la. da namanya FINAL YEAR. this is it. it is do or die - academically and in terms of life. it is time untuk aku go all out in terms of my study. nda mau da main main. nda mau da buang masa. nda mau da jadi the same person as i was back in 4th sem (as you all know my pointer took a nose-dive last sem). it is time for me to go all out. i don't want to be graduated just as a student who graduate, i want to graduate as a THE student who graduate. maksudnya, aku mau jadi somebody, not just anybody yang pi sewa baju and terima ijazah di atas pentas Dewan Canselor.

so it is really up to me to get it through this final year. aku tau aku bleh buat, cuma kadang kadang (well, not kadang kadang actually, most of the time) aku ne pemalas. apa laie kalau di bilik, duduk ja menghadap laptop mau baca artikel, terus mata rasa berat. terus mau tidur. aiyyaaa. itu ja la kerja aku di bilik - makan, tinguk movie, dengar lagu. tidur. sungguh ndada life aku ne.. harap harap la sem baru ne bawak semangat baru. and as far as it goes, semuanya ok ja sekarang ne. aku ada semangat sikit mau start sem. harap harap la berterusan kan.

awal awal sem ne aku busy sikit. mau urus family day untu junior Sport Science aku. and yang paling penting ne JELAJAH SAINS SUKAN SABAH: UMS 2011. fuhh. i haven't been so excited about something for so long, and this changed everything. program ni kira macam my baby my most important, my precious. a lot go to this, and i have put so many effort on this one. i want this one to work out. nda kesah apa, aku mau jua kasi jalan ne program. so far, respon untuk program ne has been overwhelming and my classmate pun seemed to be excited. so keeping my fingers crossed that this will work out.

staying in the do or die topic, the other part of me that i want to let go is myself. maksud aku, aku janji mau go all out on my study, but also, considering the fact that this is my FINAL YEAR as a student, so why not make it big? mungkin aku akan buat something crazy, who knows. haha. after all, life as a student is the most exciting parts in life. so before aku close that chapter for good, i wanna do something that i can remember for the rest of my life. anggap macam the highlight of my final year laa. haha.

hmm. life is interesting kan? macam macam benda jadik. aku nda percaya ada life yang dull. aku rasa semua kehidupan itu so interesting. semua benda yang jadik dalam hidup tu kan yang membuat kan hidup kita lebih berwarna, lebih berwarna. so appreciate life, coz you only got one shot at it. :)

baa setakat ne, ini ja la dulu. i will post as often as i could. so i will see you guys later, sooner. as for now, all is well. :)

chaw.

Still Survive

fuhh. sori lama nda update my blog. things have been shaking up lately and i have been trying to avoid internet as parts of my personal problem. but that problem is settled now so here i am, giving you guys the best thing in this world that you should pay attention like you are studying in your favorite subject's class, MY LIFE.

well, live has been tough these past few weeks. and it is, i have to say, because i was stupid. yaa. i was stupid enough to let someone get into my life, turned it up-side down, and walked out from it - just like that. hmm. memang salah aku pon. aku terburu-buru kot sampai semuanya jadi kelam -kabut, and as the result: it is broken. totally broken.

tapi memang dari awal laie aku da agak. i see it coming, though. masa mula-mula dia approached aku dulu, things have been too good to be true. kami da plan smua, pi mana maw dating, pi mana maw lepak, bila maw dating, etc. so it is kinda weird to plan everything when it was only our first day we got to know each other. so aku da pikir, macam mustahil ja semua ni. like i said, too good to be true.

we ended up badly. like, real bad. haha. aku da tried banyak kali untuk save that relationship, tapi nda dapat. sekejap ok, pastu gadu lagi. so, it went on and on like that and up until one point, we gave up trying. aku sebenarnya sudah lama give up dengan dia. tapi i was stuck in this idea of having a perfect partner (aku rasa macam dia ne memang perfect untuk aku laa kunun). that was why i fight for that love, coz i think that it was worth the fight. but too bad, i was wrong.

i guess we wanted different things from a relationship. dia mau yang easy, steady phase punya. tapi aku mau yang just roll with the punches, take chance. so we are different from that point of view. and yang paling teruk, i am a sms-addict, and dia pla nda. haha. ni la punca paling besar kami slalu bergaduh. :)

but it is over now. walau pun it was a very short term relationship, but it hit me like nothing else before. mungkin sebab aku betul2 sayang ma dia, ntah la. atau pun aku terperangkap dengan idea of this perfect couple. mungkin juaa. tapi, memang sakit la time kami da "break" tu. sayang kaan. it is over before it even began. and yang paling sedih tu, kami da made a pack yang kami mau jumpa bulan September. yeap. September became our trademark. kami pi letak alternate name di FB as "September". haha. so silly kan? and we even make a same status statement using September as the idea. haahhaa. sangat palui.

baa. nda pa la kan. another day, another heartbreak. i guess i learn a lot from this brief whirl-wind romance. mungkin aku patut blajar untuk take things slow down. yaa la. if it is meant to be, it meant to be kan. plus, apa guna jua maw rush things. it will make things become messy. and we don't want that. but, looking it from another angle, i realize that i have this ability to loe someone with all of my heart even though orang tu orang baru dalam idup aku. haah. pelik kan? tapi memang pla gitu.. apa leh buat..

so, it is just antother chapter in my life that i have to move on from. it is hard of course, but it has already been 2 days i start this new chapter without involving the idea of September. haha. and so far, i am doing very good. :D

special shoutout untuk budak tuh a.k.a My September Love (weeekkkk...), i am so sorry that it has to end badly for us. sorry for everything, and thanks you fr coming into my life and put a litte bit of colors to my life. kita nda dapat jadi apa2, mungkin not even as frens, but i want to tell u that i truly care for u. ko jaga diri baik2 ok? u will always have a piece of my heart. i love u. :p

baaa. it's time for me to take another round of listening to Tiada Lagi Tangisan and cry my heart out.